| godamnit... |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|10:07 am] |
let it go .. let it go ... let it go already ... fuck.
Same dream. Over and over and over again. It's us hanging out ... years later... just like with Ashley. We are all sitting down, it's a sunny day... good times. I put my hand on her leg and slide it up almost to her thigh. not even thinking about it .. this is my girl.. this is my head... things are as they should be... then she quickly says "NO" .. closes her leggs and turns away from me and shoves her nails into my foot to make me stop...
I recoil a little.. pull my hand out .. ok .. ok .. I'm sorry.
I'm telling her this still a little confused by what's going on. I look over at all our friends and no one is moving around or re-acting to it. She gives me a stare that says "just stop, I'm sorry, please be ok" all at once.
I'm fuckin lost. I'm at a loss. I lose.
This dream NEEDS to go away.
Sware to god. Every night. For a fucking Week. Please please please please go away.
It's no fair. The one place i'm usually so comfortable.. the one place i usually just get lost it .. she should be mine there. I shouldn't have to let go there.
I never should have let go. |
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| God fuck damnit |
[Jun. 2nd, 2008|11:12 am] |
Should have seen this coming? ... no? maybe.
FUCK.
I just don't even know anymore. This is hidden and personal enough i doubt anyone will be reading it. So i'll just say it. I'm fucking alone again. My mind is racing again. My confidence, shaken... my life.. once again up for fucking grabs.
Way to screw up the most wonderful and beautiful thing to happen to your life. Fuckin kudos. You idiot.
Fuck. |
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| HAH |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|12:36 pm] |
I knew i had an infinitely less gay LJ page ... and i just had to find it!!
so .. i know i'm a myspace bitch now... mostly cause there are more/looser whores there than there are here. But gosh-darn is it nice to have a place where i know only a fraction of the people i know will ever even see it.
in fact... i'm almost positive that NO one will see this. Who keeps a friends list with some crazy asshole smoking a pipe .... it may be only my little userpic thing... but it represents ME .... mostly the scares and wild eye and the fact that in fuedal japan they most DEFFINETLY smoked almost as much hash as i do....
anyways... this was totally a test of your local emergency broadcast COCK ...
report immediately to the balls for de-breifing ........... get ... de-breifing ........
... IMMA TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF!!! |
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| What the christ ... |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|05:11 pm] |
voice .. posts?? ... userpics ??? ....... what the jesus is going on here?
I disaprove of all this. I should have been updated, informed .. and given authoritah over all these damn changes comin about. I'm I supposed to .. wait wait wait ... WTF .. upload userpics ?? can i do that??? CUSTOMIZE ??!! IN FRIENDLY NEW AGE CRAZY USER FRIENDLY FORMAT???!!!
LJ isn't nearly as hardcore anymore. |
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| Holy shit ... it's happenin .. |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|05:49 pm] |
Check this out. I'm doin the LJ thang.
Anyways... im about to fucking spliel. Is that how you spell it? shpliel... whatever .. i'm about to go off. I been reading old emails and doing the same old parnoid song and dance inside my mind and it's gotten to the point where .. i'm pretty much smiling and nodding my way down what feels like a fucking cliff face.
so .. /rant
I'm so fucking pissed off at hypocrite like behavior right now it's fucking making me sick. I don't know what happened but i remember a time back in the day when all the people i surrounded myself with were in one way or another very VERY strict on their ideals. Not materilistic bullshit wants and needs and crybaby SHUT THE FUCK ABOUT YOUR SHIT attitude i want this and that and SHUT UP >.... JUST SHUT UP !!!
i mean they sat and talked and went back and forth about what they thought was wrong with the world and the minds inside it and the dreams inside the minds inside the world that made "everyday people" (cause we obviously were not part of that group ... obviously) so fucking disguisting to us.
we would gather round a drug or a drink or a fire or what the fuck ever and just go off .. .everyone has there whipping boy subject and i was no different but mine were always this very wide spectrum. I had a lot of hate to give.
Pretty much .. to sum up my eternal argument i am terribly ... horrifically .. would rather slit my throat than let it slide scared of being bored.
And not like .. omg its teh saterduy and CS won't bootup .. .sehgay ...
As in .. look around you .. look at your life and the experience you have day to day to day to day and tell me ... try and look me in the eye and tell that it isn't fucking repetitive. That it isn't ... at the very least .. predictable.
We may have been that way .. we may have had our routines .. but at the very least i was fucking TRYING LIKE HELL to make sure everyone around me was goin into something new as often as possible. And once again .. not going camping, going to a different town, going and doing something different, going on a fucking walk blagh blah blah blagh new age open enlightenment BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT
you don't need a fucking ACTIVITY to change your MINDFRAME ... you FUCKING MEATBAGS ...
fucking christ .. TALK TO ME .. SAY SOMETHING IMPORTANT, FAGGOT!@!@!!!*
That's all i ever wanted, i am finding. Was conversation that took my mind somewhere new. I feed off people. Devour their ideas. Chew em up ... clean em up ... polish em and throw them back at MACH853 .. so that they are forced to grab hold, feel the fucking gs ... and then kick it back in MY face ..
I can think of .... shit ............ fuck man, maybe 3 or 4 people that have ever ... EVER realy done this with me on a CONSISTENT basis. Challenged my mind. Changed my perspective. Held me in a constant state of rapture that i hadn't thought of it that way before.
and now i see my life unfolding.
And i can handle the different shades than i thought it would be.
I can hand the mistakes and the powerplays and the thefts i have made in the past few years.
what i can't handle ... never have .. never will ... is the possibility that
THIS IS AS FUCKING GOOD AS IT GETS ...
i know that might sound awfull .. but the fact is i have it REALLY good right now.
Happy. Love. Family. Friends. Trust.
and yet ....
here we are again. So it's not something or someones fault. It's not even like they could help. I think i'm almost past to the point of saying ..
"Hello there homeless have you ever met a paciderm? no well you should cause they are FREAKING SWEET WHEN YOU SHOOT THEM WITH ROCKETS (happens in africa) CAUSE LIKE WE GOT ALL SORTS OF GUNS AND WE FIRE BLINDLY INTO CITYS (happens in isreal) AND WE FUCKING DO IT EvERYgODamNDiZZAy!!!! "
paciderm.
............... that's so not spelled right. Paciderm. Paciderm. Say the word over and over again .. it'll start to sound weird i assure you. Paciderm. ... hmm.. .
anyways..
none of this really matters. aNY way the wind blows. ... what the fuck ever.
I will live and die the way i dream and that is not remembering who i stepped on or why for what reason they were in my way. I could care less. I take all the happiest shit from my memorys and i wrap myself in it EVERY night ...
.... beleive me ... i still dream ...
and then i wake up and it all sloughs off my mind like so much seaweed from the shore and i shake myself awake and remember that nothing i dream of will ever come true ..
and don't argue that it isn't true .. that i can have my dreams...
anyone who says that is 1. fucking stupid 2. a fucking kindergarden teacher or 3. has SHITTY GAYBAR FUCKING STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPID dreams ...
i dunno about you assholes, but i dream about fire and flying and making the enemies cry and the woman cringe in extacy and the fabric of this dullplace twisting and turning so much that waking up everymorning is like puking at the kegger, peaking on the acid, coming down of that white and laying on a beach all at one fucking time ... i can't tell if i'm supposed to love it .. or fucking hate .. cause i'm so lost in my head these days i'm almost convinced that right now .. I'M THE IDIOT .. and i'm having the most
boring
dream
possible.
kisses.
(p.s. new LJ layout has an easy to use spell check ..... which i quickly glossed over. Fuck your grammer, asshole.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2006|01:46 pm] |
Oohhhhh mang ... i ranted about the red hot chili peppers once today .. it's my myspaceing faggery site.
I honestly don't know what to rant about.
Rocker arms. Need tightening. With my cack.
..... fucking .. comic books rule. I am the reason Danger Zone still does business..
i have a private bathroom next to all the junior justice league books .. which i use to wipe my ass.
hmm.... buying diamonds is a hell of a thing. ... i'll say this .. i better get some bloody, painfull, fucking chaotic ass loving the night after i bust them out.
also there are no toaster biscuits.
NO 2 percent milk.
and no .. fucking ... cookies.
I would unleash my anger .. on you all. but i never see any of you emo, hypochondriatic, babies and families and bums in yoour volvo cause you couldn't let another hurt man go 5 more minutes without at LEAST stealing some of his plasma for the bloodbank tomorrow.
Cause you love to help ... and also meth. You love meth.
Cocaine. Marijuana. ..... SPpppppeeeeeeeeed. L . S . D . ... i'm bored.
full time jobs=suck
school = suck
paul winning lotterys with his back to the future like knowledge = rockz
also fire is good.
also sex is good .. + fire is bonus.
also choking,whips,leather,chains........ peanuts.... lipstoungesasstitsnipplescunt ... all great.
I'm just bored... and now i have wasted so much time .. i must go make a sammich... inhale it .. and return to work .. before going out this evening .. drinking till i can't feel feelings anymore .. and going home to pass out alone (fucking ... mothers and their daughters..)
so like ...... one coherent thought ...
PS3... November... (No more than) 500 dollars ... X-boxlive like online network completely free and competitive with Livegold.... 60GB hard drive packed with the system for memory/storage/downloadable content/blue-ray data dumping ect. ect.
I'm buyin on .. and when i get it .. you fuckers can't touch it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|11:37 am] |
Ben Harper .... Burn one Down ...
good times.
was thinkin bout that the other day actually. That era...
good times. Valentines day was a blast all by the way .. and then this weekend ..
spending money like mad... ooohhh good shit.
Must clean and feed myself now .. i'll update later .. a big one . . as per uuuuusual. |
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| How long has it been now ... |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|05:28 pm] |
since i came here to digress and regress and be pissed about one thing or the other.
I'm so happy as of late it's not even funny.
I am constantly in a state of "hmm... weird how life works."
That post .. a while ago .. where i was worried i had ruined
friendships and alienated myself from a large group of the people i would call
my closest friends.
Never happened. It's much better now than it was mere weeks ago.
And what did i get out of all this drama ?
A new angel. ..... breathe for a moment ... and let me say this again.
A brand new blood soaked angel. I never thought it would happen.
Those of you in my mind .. who i talk to .. REALLY talk to when we have a conversation
.. u have heard me say i have been looking for those who would put new scars
on my back.
there were 2 before... Ashley and Anna. Beautiful women in each their own right.
Ashley .. my other. The girl i'm sure i'll meet up with in heaven to make fun of
saint peter and sneak in the back door of heaven so we can eat the entire buffet before
einstein can get his share.
And anna ... the healing scar. Who would hold me like her child .. while at the same time running
a nail up and down my hand so many times she wore a scar into my skin like erosion cuts canyons
out of a countryside.
One was essential to me becoming alive .. the other was vital to me growing past the first.
and now .. i have all new scars .. from the one that more than any of the others, i knew i loved
the second i saw her.
She doesn't look like the type of person i was looking for. In fact... she looks far too good for me.
Not just in that she is gorgeous (jesus fucking christ Ashley, i have to show you this woman) but also
because she is light hearted, light voiced and smiles almost 99 percent of the time when you first meet her ..
most of you would never guess she refuses to leave her apt. without her knife.
Or that she volunteers to run that same knife down my back and run her lips red.
... .maybe ... probably .. one of the first people to COMPLIMENT me on the scars i already possessed.. and then
immediately comment that I HAD to let her make one ...
It's amazing to me. That i'm this lucky. A string of worthless... emotionless.... pasionless fucks...
and then .. out of the blue .. chance/fate and a little drama .. brings me this person who is more
like me than 99.99 percent of the people on the street.
and her eyes... fucking hell... it's always ALWAYS that smokey blue/grey. It just .. fucking does it for me.
I sit at work and i smile because when i lean back my shoulder hurts from my new scars.
I sit at home and i smile because i reach for my phone ... maybe to check the time or something ... and she calls as i pick it up.
I drive down the street and smile because all of a sudden i'm looking for a new car whenever i go anywhere.. to perhaps catch a glimpse of that thing i have been missing for so ..... so .... very long.
And i smile because of those first two angels. Those first two ... one i loved... Who taught me so much.
I do not regret a single thing that happened. And i'm not going to spend this time fearing for an end that may or
may never come. Buy the ticket .. take the ride. u know ?
Anyways... it makes me life. i'm such an anti-emotional mother fucker most of the time.. and somehow this harlet
had me around her finger before she said more than 5 words to me. It kills me a little ... she is a LOT like me ..
so much actually .. it's funny .. how shit repeats itself ...
A lightning Bolt might remember this ... laying down .. watching tv .. just holding vanilla close me ... something
along the lines like "It feels like we have been together like this forever" ...
just days ago .. laying on the same bed, holding a new fragrance (hemp oil .. oy vey :) )
the words are said "this is like a dream i have been having ... like .. we have been this way forever"
I smiled .. and responded in kind .. cause it's true... but a part of me was instantly taken about 5 years back in time..
and i couldn't help but give my retarded little chuckle... because that .. RIGHT there .. was what gave it away to me.
I knew i had a winner ... someone who was gonna cut ... test... love .. beat ... build up... break down and save me all
at the same time.
It's not often you are given the chance to make a real connection to someone that isn't just convience fucking/bullshit talk.
and now i feel .. as if i am lucky enough to have 2.
honestly i did something right. In some past life. Saved some buddah like figure or something ..
I'm not the type of person that thinks my personality is one that draws those who would make me happy ..
fairly reserved.. usually ...
fairly responsible and ... non drama causing ...
but i litterally had to TAKE this girl ...
like i had to SHOW my first love that she loved me. (still the best sales pitch ever in my opinion ;) )
it is amazing tho. how it just comes together. Neither time have i had to be anything other than myself.
But they change me .. for the better.
I sport so many scars now .. so many memories of memories of feelings and of images.
.
.
.
. ..
...
...
.
.. ok .. but ... hehehe... they kiss SO differently it's not even funny :)
Has to be something about her coming from the mid-west states or something.
so.. i'll wrap this up now.. but i'll try and post a little more. Might as well i supose..
i used to post all the time about all my new scratches and polar bear wrastlin matches and such .. might
as well give it a shot again ..
just ... lemme say this.
Ashley. I will always love you. (still waiting for that last kiss)
Anna ..... i can't fuckin beleive you got married ;)
Jes. I ... FUCKING .. love you.
p.s. godamn. the girl can work it :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2005|01:44 am] |
I feel like such an ass.
I do things .. with different groups of friends .. at least like .. once a year it seems ..
that is just so completely ... halariously indicative of the type of person i am. When it burns
to the core of something. It kind of ... fucks with my head ... when i realize i am obviously
being less than a friend than i would expect from anyone i would call my own friend.
and then ... i kind of .. dissolve it.
Seconds pass and instantly it begins to lessen in my mind. Everything is like this.
I feel like possibly .. i might have lost not just one, but in essence one whole circle of
friends. I've done this for a while. I'm running out of friends to dissapoint.
It's odd.
I just can't like .. set my mind on someone elses thinking. It never occurs to me that .. people
aren't thinking about this world as just a passing killtime. One ride in a very big park.
Like that It's a small world ride. i hated that thing.
and i'm not rationalizing anything. Not even a big deal realy. But it's been kind of just dawning on me
how much i work in kind of a sick cycle.
Retreating inside my own head.
Cutting myself off.
Completely changing my attitude/demeanor.
Then switching it all off in a few months... and not even register the time as passing by.
I dunno what i need. Helps to write tho. ... i honestly wonder right now on whether i should even post this?
like... this place has always seemed kind of surface level artifical. Only ever really connecting to a few
specific people... obviously not a crowd pleaser.
But ... it's nice to save it. look back on it.
I'm waking up really early lately ... even when i fall asleep late or don't have JACk to do .. i'm always waking up early.
I haven't done that in a long time... like... a habbit thing. Almost like my body is thinking i have something to wake up to everyday .. like something really compelling. But then i can't think of it when i fucking put my feet on the floor.
kind of a slow burn of dissapointment.
moves so sloooooow......
well... i dunno what to talk about. i'm kind of ... just thinking ..
I wanna dream tonight really bad.. so i gotta get to sleep soon. If i can manage it .. i'll stay at least
a day or two in my mind today. I'm ready for a break ... and like i said..
still waiting ... for fire.
a generation of kids dissapointed because armeggedon is late to the party.
know what i mean ? ... governments crazy. World is crazy. Religion looks kookier everyday.
gotta happen sooner or later. Someone will fuckin wake up the masses ..
or something. Earthquakes.. check ... tidal waves .. check ... Riots .. check .. Hurricanes .. Check..
so .. all we need is a plague or dirty bomb of some sort ... and mayhaps... something like volcanoes.
mmm... ok. gnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|11:27 am] |
Some people are so retarded...
specifically ... a bunch of you LJ emo super protective of people
you never really know idiots.
I shall bombard your friends page with hellfire. Punks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2005|01:34 pm] |
ok .... so i was a little angry ..
maybe jumped the gun a tad ...
either way ... There are those people that would kill for me.
That i think ... really know me and what i'm about. How i think.
They are friends. They deserve the title.... and i would kill for them.
So many of the craziest dreams.
Remember when you came over and i was in the shower and later something
along the lines of ... "Why didn't you just come find me?" ...
... :) ...
paul loves the power of dreamtime. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|11:59 pm] |
I forced myself to come here tonight ...
though tto myself... so many times you are driving down the street
or your comin home from work
or your drunk .. driving for some stupid reason .. thinking about how
stupid you .. and everyone else around is ...
and you know you should update. It's common sense. Might as well
rant for fourteen paragraphs with really weird breaks and repeated
.....
.......
.....
.... for no fucking good reason.
Might as fucking well .. ya know.
And i realise.. that i am an extremely emotional person.
Not sensetive .. in the very least. I could care less about most things .. i
have come to terms with that part of myself... I never go into great depth about
all the things i feel .. but i feel them.. and could write/draw poetry about it
but i often feel that would be putting too much of myself out there.
i tried that once..
a book of anger..
concentrated thought. A single subject that burned so hot it took up most of
an entire journal. I don't think that helped me.. other than as just another
release.... but really, when you could burn and vent and hate and hurt people
all day long and not feel the least bit satisfied with where you are at in your
life but also .. the state of being/time and place/world and society you live in ..
.....
...
..
fucking sickens you (see... un-needed .... for no reason .. i put em everywhere)
but what kinda gets to me is that every once in a while.. i'll be in a situation
where i look around me ... and think .. really think about the "friends" i have in my
life... and i fucking want to cry.
Seriously .. i don't .......... i don't really have any.
I don't know about any of them... most every single one is so pre-occupied and
punch drunk on whatever little thing is happening in their life at the moment ..
that to sit down ... and have like ... some type of meaning behind anything we say ..
... it's fucking hard... and it makes me wanna stab.
I had a conversation with my dad tonight about how fucked up religion is.
How awesome is that. My dad is like, 66. With his upbringing .. and what his
childhood must have been like.. and the way the world was... for him to sit
at a table and tell me he AGREES with me... when i say i think it's all bullshit..
in those exact words, mind you....
He agrees with me.
Any of my friends would agree with me.... but they would "listen" to everything
i had to say, while at the same time thinking of something funny that happened
at work.. or the new guy this whore is dating .. or how they were duped out of
vacation time at work .. or how they tricked their boss and made it away sick that day
or how their job is such shit and they hate their family or how ... etc... etc...
.... right now. For some reason.
I am feeling ..... incredibly alone.
Nothing you can say will.... fucking a.
I actually can't think of anything to write. Sitting here.. talking about this.....
what the fuck ..
... i'm so tired everyone. I want to fall asleep. And never wake up.
See you every night.
Fly every minute.
I'm so tired...
i'm so sorry.
.........................fuckin shit.
at least when i was grillin ballz every other fucking day i thought the
world was this amazing new place every 15 minutes.
I'm so ........ disallusioned....
I don't even know if it's worth it anymore.
Happiness is relative ... correct ?
money is the fucking root of all evil ... other than psychosis and jealousy ..
and a few others...
so evil is good to go.
Maybe i could become a terrorist. (red flag)
it would be nice to bring guerilla warfare to midland usa.
can you imagine the red state massacre ? just go alphabetically all the way down.
see .. i have already written too much .. and i still have a dream for you all ...
.. fuckthislifeandthepeopleinitijustwannabedoneandgetthefuckoffthisplanet.
now .. on to my dream.
So .. we go on this drive to Eugene. There is .... standard... quite a lot
of rather weird shit that happens while we drive. As we arrive in eugene we find that it
has been changed into something .. i can only describe as say ..... a hippie Atlantic City.
Casino's.. gambling .... drugs ... party scene .. HUGE hotels all over the place... but
eugene... so the drug market is huge.
We go into this hotel... and first.. it seems ok. Roy is there, as are Ross and kat.
Brandon, rindy .. ashley and ashlee... the fucking whole cast.
We are all in different rooms .. but for some reason, there are like, 40 different
clones of kat. They seem to be taking a body guard type duty to all of us important people
in the dream.. and she has like ... a p90 in her coat ... every single one of her.
Weird.. to say the least.
Anyways... Turns out the whole hotel is one big bust of all the big drug dealers from the
area and the cops swarm. kats fucking murder like 20 to 30 of them. but .. there is a lot of
godamn cops.
I end up jumping over this balcony thing, through a window and landing in this huge fountain in the lobby
this of course puts me ahead of the game.. as i go outside and find all our cars sitting in
front of this huge hotel.
Jumping into mine i proceed to try and drive back to salem .. only to find that while i thought
the town may have just looked like atlantic city .. i am most deffenitly in the midwest.
Just to prove this simple point to me .. there is a road sign that i can't really read.. but i know
says
"Oregon 2,360 miles"
and i think .. that's a long fuckin way.
-----------------------
many more dreams. some harder to remember than others.
Some so hard to forget .......
so hard.
I realy do love most of you, you know. I could care less if you died tomorrow or
not, but if you were next to me and asked me for help stopping the sun from
rising... i would do my fucking best.
thats what pisses me off the most i guess.
No one understands that i would be the best one ...
if i wasn't the worst. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|01:45 am] |
I'm in the perfect livejournal state of mind.
comlpetely drunk.
Alittle smokey stoned....
and pretty much completely dead tired.
3 days of interviews nd evaluations for a new jobby job bob.
of course.. all this waking life shit is boring... my draems are
still buck naked cool.
like... buck ass naked cool.
ROCKIN.
there was this alien ship .. and i shot it down .. and the guy inside
had a fight with me on this bridge .. and this bridge was in this arena
over this big pool of water ... and on the bridge was this girl i was trying to save.
.... also we had cool helmets.
Seriously .. like.. they zipped up around teh head but it was like... 3 zippers..
that made a helmet type ... thing. It was clear ... and protective.... i dunno.
anyways... Tatoo.. captain morgans rum... pretty good... made me relch.
good times.
feel like i'm gonna die.
..
...
...... well... at least i can pretty much talk to myself. I'm entertained....
So like.. you know you ran into a few girls tonight that didn't look too...
yea yea .., i kmnow... i think i even knew one or two of them .... but whatever.. ,
they just chics mon .. you know ?
But look at that girl. She is lookin at you. Talk to her...
And tell her what ?? that i want her to choke me out in the street out front of my house
and then tear each other apart fucking until the sun comes out???!!!???
dude.... wtf is a matter with you ..
sorry man ...
...... i scare myself. Literelly.
LOL ..
spelled THAT one wrong.
So .. inhibited. Uninhibitor. Inhibitions.
- stimulatnt
+ depressant{s}
yea. ... that's how i roll brosef.
.
.
.
.
. ..
....
.... it's funny .. to be moving forward, and making a life... and kind of...
absorbing and at the same time starting to forget your past... and still ...
....
......
..
..
.
STiLL ... just want to fall asleep .. and never .. ever .. have to wake up again.
le sigh.
so london exploded. is it weird to anyone else that they DIDN"T bomb the lundon bridge ?
london bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down
london bridge is falling down, my fair lady !!!!
HAH ... seriusly tho. that sucks. The only cool otherfamily i have (other than rib
making abailited and stripper talents..... seriously) is in england.
england is small.
I live on the other side of my country and buidlings exploding was like ... days away from my town.
My cousings/aunts/nanna... my grandma who is the coolest ever... {you will never be offered more
tea in your life than when you are a guest in her home and enjoy the drink. she INVENTED the bottomless
cup!} are on the other side of the country ... practically ... and are 4 hours away.
just kinda crazy.
so much hate for the people around me. Poor bastards.
is it wrong to talk to them
to who
them
but they aren't like personatlies
it's just peices of you
just sections
acting out
saying what they please
and making thier point
HEARD
....
.....
....... wait
are you
dumb
GOD ...
someone kick him out
wait .. no
i'm sorry .. ok
ok
ok ok
ok
fine
but if you mispell ONE MORE THING that bad ..
your out
gone
were done...
you mean ...
that's right bitch .. your out of the head. It's a good gig
we got goin on here and we won't let you ruin it.
so straighten up ..
or we'll fuck you up.
got it ?
uea .... yea i got it.
DIE BITCH!!!
slash.
oohhhhhhh.. shit. If you feel your time has been wasted, please, let me know
.
...
.
..... it's always nice to get a good ol "Job well done!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|03:16 pm] |
yellow lightsaber makes me laugh.
also .. the fact that i have just slightly more potential to be evil as to be good ... sounds a lot like me actually.
good times... it's always nice to see her ... and it's always harder to control myself every time.
Elisa is fucking halarious. Love that girl. dunno what she though she was gonna find in iowhatever ... other
ioians.... or something. But of course the desire to be within a 20 mile radius of myself was too strong, even
for her... so she came running back.
naturally...
it's funny tho .. cause these girls are the coolest on the planet. And id still kill for her. it's crazy to actually realize
that even tho bunch of time has passed and ladies come and go and blah blah ... i'm always still thinking about ...
hmm... smiles.
so ... i'm havin a hard time thinking of something to say. Got my computer fixed and some actual internet security workin.
for some reason my aim is retarded. telling me i don't know my pw to login
bastards. But i guess, only so much i can do ... especially since fuckin aol is retarded... squared.
gah. it's 330...
i don't wanna move .. anymore than i have to. But people owe me money ... so i have to move ... at least to my car, so that i may
chase after them, and ... more than likely, run them over. dadunk. dadunk.
that's your skull + tires + acura legend = pwnt.
oh .. and i rock ass in fuckin counterstrike these days. I know i talked about it a while ago as my new obsession.
the fact is .... that now ... i'm unstoppable. for the most part, i make fuckin heads pop.
i love it.
i'll do it to you .. fucker .. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|05:14 am] |
ok .. so ...are you ever maybe like, so deep in though. Or perhaps, so into a daydream .. or an idea
that your actually there ?
your actually .. having a conversation with someone, actually bouncing ideas back and forth
actually talking .. with another person.
Hearing their voice.
Hearing voices.
i sware to god, it didn't sound ... quite as crazy when i was first thinking about posting a little
livejournal about it. But you do this .. don't you?
...
....
...... like .. your sitting there, and your remembering a conversation, or playing a conversatin out in your head
or even just really talking to yourself .. and ... then for one reason or another .. the voices.. or .. the opinion ..
it rings in your ear, like it's behind you somewhere .. like it's an actual conversation y ou need to be payin attention to.
..
...
.. i'm gonna update again soon .. but right now, you know ... it's 517 .. and well .. .i should really fall asleep.
I don't sleep as much anymore.
... sometiomesi lookat my hands and think about ... wasted time.
one d ay i'm gonna list mistakes ive make ... in alphabetical order..
that should be fun.
I remember .. weird things from being a kid.
My best friend has this basketball court and big wood fort/playtoy thing in his yard.
I can remember one day ... were playing out back .. and we are yelling, screaming at each
other "I killed you!" ...
I mean, now, 13-15 years later, it's fairly obvious that I killed his ass, and not vice versa, because
i had the open shot. His high ground didn't mean as much cause he had to EXPOSE his position to fire at me.
i win. 1 to nothing.
... and.. i had a dream about a beautiful dark hard girl, saving her from a seal team at school, shooting a bunch
of the seals at the beach, it snowing for some reason, hiding out with this girl... who i'm thinking is a mixture of
2 specific real world beotches, .... also driving. ..oh, i ran at one point, jumping from car to car ...
that shoulda been a big sign i was dreaming, but i was really havin a lot of fun playin with thse cops..
and ... the ladies.. dy.
night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|01:05 pm] |
I just had this dream ... really weird .. i have already lost a lot of it ..
but later in the dream ... i saw this girl that i haven't dreamt about in months n months ..
a beautifull ... if not a little ... looking burnt out when i knew her ...
but she was really very enchanting. Something about her eyes ... she was the type of girl
with serious scars to show me .. and to tell me about. I'll never forget.......
anyways ... she was fairly pregnant when i first met her .. and then she left school for a while
because of her baby. In my dream .. she was not pregnant (she always talked about how it's halarious
i met her when she was full o baby and looking rather pregnant cause she was normally "such a skinny little bitch"... no joke )
.. but .. in my dream ... she was without baby.. and looked ... just amazing.
maybe a little taller than she actually was ... cause she is super short ... but .. still... pretty awe inspiring.
I was smoking on my porch in chicago maybe ? ... i dunno ... but i saw her pass by and hide behind a tree with a car
following her. I put on shoes .. and talk to her ... she says they are following her ... and they think she is going to school ..
but i move up on tree in front of her and talk to her ... we go to meet and hang out inside this tunnell thing ... drain pipe ..
and as i get to it .. the dream begins to change. There was a bunch more .. before and after that ...
some of it involving me actually .. in my dream .... laying down on a porch at some ... school ...
starring at the sky and watching clouds go by. In a dream.
beautiful sky ... amazing dream.
it's the little things. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|03:17 am] |
"You've got cancer... probably from rolling around in that toxic waste! ... what were you thinking?"
"I wanted to gain super powers."
"well that's just stupid."
.... i love you .. godamn like you don't even know.
Been having pretty halarious dreams... but not feeling the need to post them as much.
This journal seems a lot more like it's ... for me .. more than anything.
Which honestly .. should be the point .. but you get to one of these online
things ... one of these damn BLOGS .. lol .. blog.
and you start writing .. and when you start updating all the time you get used
to the circle of people who update and respond and really make it feel like .. your not
just rambling or justifying anything to yourself .. but your actually having a .. .
back and forth .. and little something .. with whoever may be reading your thoughts that day ..
and then i think ... and the people who get the most responses are the people who either
have 8 billion people who think that the pic they have by their name is hotzor or they
update with halarious .. halarious shit. Completely random or just ... weird.. perfect
updates that you can go off on a tangent about .. but aren't exactly a tangent themselfs. ...
perhaps that's the secret.
Cause you see .. this here .. this ... the typeing ... aeio ... THIS .. is a rant.
..
...
....
...... house to myself ...
my dad is gone ... i'm up at fuckin 3:30 and feelin lively ...
smoking ..
drunking
joking ..
straight ... west coasting...
AND NO ONE WILL TALK OR PLAY GAMES OR HANG OUT OR CHILL ........ OR SAY SWEAR WORDS
FUCKASSSHITWHORECUNTSLUTBOOBYCOCKASSBULLSHITNIGGERASSCRAPHOLEBITCHAXEWOUNDCHINKASSFUCKINGFLIPPEICEOFASS
... lol .... axe wound...
that's a vagina.
... fucking yawn. Do you know know what i mean???!!!??? FUCKING BORED.....
this planet can't keep up with me. ... night. |
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